Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Been out of it.....

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I have been busy at work with the transition of having a 15 month old in my room to having all babies under a year. It is crazy!!! I have been feeling out of sorts but enjoying all the new kids in my classroom.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Taylor lately. I guess because I am the team captain for the March of Dimes walk here in Worcester. I have been trying to get everything organized and people to join me and stuff like that. Eric, Zach and I did the walk last year. We had fun and got to see a lot of people who have been through a loss or just had kids in the NICU. I am so glad that I am able to do it again. This year it means a lot more to me for some reason. I think because I have finally just allowed myself to let the grief out finally. I had it bottled up for so long that it feels good to let it out and not really care what people think. I was so afraid to show the lack of control over my emotions because I didn't want other people to know I was upset or to upset others. I have the best family and a great group of girls I work with and have put up with all my craziness as well as allowing me to talk when I need to and they ask me questions and help me more than they think. I LOVE YOU GIRLS FROM BRONX PARK BH!!! I also have a great group of guy friends. We all hung out to gether and Eric has always been close to them. They just kind of watch over me and if I feel I needto talk I know that I can. It still makes them a little uncomfortable but I know that they get through it for me. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! And you know who you are!!!

I have been feeling a little out of sorts and confused too lately. I don't know, I am so use to feeling like this that I don't know what normal is. But with my battle with depression and anxiety I haven't felt normal in like 10 years or so. I feel like I may never feel normal. But I am going to get through and make sure that I keep myself up and going.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Well it's now February

Wow it seems like time just keeps passing even though I really want it to stop 90% of the time. I know it has been 18 months or so but it never changes the pain. The last 2-3 days I have been really thinking about Taylor. I go through this a lot especially now that I have finally found someone to finally say to me it was time for me to think of myself and to grieve the right way. Because I have always wanted everyone, mostly my family, to know that I was ok with everything that had happened I just buried it and never really finished my grieving process. I have in the last 3 months been allowing myself to grieve the way I should have a year ago. I know I went thought the normal grief in the beginning but then just hid it. I always thought that I have to hide it and be the strong one and make sure I take care of everyone else and not myself. Well I have been taking care of myself and believe me it has been scary to go through grief that no mother or father should ever go through but I know now that yes it is scary but you do come on through it on the other side. It has been very hard but it has been the time I believe in my life to finally just let go of all the feelings that I have been burying.

I have also been connected to some of the most amazing women who have gone through something similar. Even though it is not a way you want to meet someone in this way and through a loss of a child, I am so happy that I have been connected with them. They have helped me to be more open here at home and now through my blog. I have so much to post but not enough time. Plus being on my husbands computer I don't have all my pic's and stuff to post. So I guess this week will be the week that I get all my stuff up here. I have so much to share and I am going to have to sign off soon but I have a story about why I have named my blog Dragonfly dreams and Other Stories. So goodnight and sweetdreams for now.