Saturday, January 24, 2009


So I have started blogs before and then forgotten about them and I think the reason why I did this was because I had started them for a reason but wasn't really sure what I was going to talk about. I think now after a year I have figured out what I am going to talk about. This blog is going to be dedicated to my daughter Taylor. She was born sleeping on October 17, 2007 at 39.5 weeks. We did know she had passed until I had gone into labor and to the hospital. They were hooking me up to the heart monitor and that's when they said there was no heartbeat. Let me just say that that is the worst news I think any parent could ever get....."I'm sorry but we can't find the heartbeat". Even after a year I still tear up at the thought of these words.

I will go back to the beginning. We found out we were pregnant in February of 2007. We had not planned to have another baby at this point. We have a 4 almost 5 (now 6 year old today)year old son Zach who we were enjoying his last year of being just a kid because in September he was going to start Kindergarten. At first I was really upset because at the time I didn't want to be pregnant. I have been dealing with Depression and anxiety since '98 after a miscarriage (only like 2 weeks pregnant when I miscarried) and I had just gotten to a point where I felt like I was feeling more like myself. So basically I was feeling a little selfish about it. Post-partum depression runs very strong in my family. When I was pregnant with Z I was able to take my meds but it only took the edge off of it. I also had a rough time with Zach's first couple years and I always felt detached from him in some way. So this pregnancy was very much a surprise and on my part in the first few days unwanted.

We went a few months and I was getting really excited. We had just found out we were having a girl and I always knew I wanted to name her Taylor Marie. I also knew how we were going to decorate her room, we did her room with Tinkerbell. My mom was excited to help with things and especially to decorate her room. Zach was excited too. He had come with us when we found out that we were having a girl, he named her Nemo because to him it looked like a fish on the tv. We had made it through the summer and Zach had started school. We were just doing all the finishing touches on everything and getting ready to just wait for her to come.

My pregnancy was fine and normal. She was growing and moving all the time. The week before she was born my appointment was fine, heartrate and measurements all were normal. My doctor was going on vacation (she wasn't able to deliver Zach but I will share more on that later) so she wanted to see if maybe I may go sooner because I was like 2cm dialated. So she scraped my cervix and then we were just waiting. Nothing had happened and I was kind of glad that Taylor was waiting for our doctor to be back from vacation. My body on the other hand had other plans. I had gone into labor at 2 a.m. on the 17th and I knew that it was a different labor. With Zach I was ok and I went 24 hours before I delivered him. With Taylor my body started labor and proceeded to just keep going. I had gone to a contraction every 10 to 15 mins to a contraction every 2 min in like a half hour. By the time we got to the hospital I was in severe pain (worse than with Zach) and could barely walk. They were trying to get the monitor on and the nurses kept yelling at me to relax and just breathe but I was beyond that point, I was yelling at them and telling them I couldn't do it and all the stuff a woman would say while in labor and to the point of screaming at them. We were told the worst 8 words any parent would ever want to hear and then all of a sudden I had someone there to give me my epidural, thay weren't going to do it because they told me that I was too far along and the nurses as well as myself had told them it didn't matter to just give her the medicine. I was able to relax to a point and in 2 1/2 hours later Taylor was born.

She was perfect with reddish hair. She was 7 pds and 21 in long she was soo cute and looked just like her big brother. The only thing was that I wished she was breathing. They had asked me if we wanted them to try and resuscitate her and we had said no but of course when she was born through my tears I was hoping that maybe she would just take one breathe and she would be fine. But that wasn't the case. I held her for a few minutes, I wasn't able to do it for to long because I was so upset that I thought I would drop her. She was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle her, thinking back now I wish I had but with the shock of it and never have seen a person who wasn't alive upclose never mind a child and holding the child I had to give her to the nurses. Then came the hard decisions and I never want to have to make the decisions again. We had decided right away that we were going to have her cremated and that she was going to be back home with us. We couldn't see burying her we wanted her home with us. We had a memorial service for her the Saturday after she was born which was actually her due date. We only had immediate family and our closest friends there and that was how we wanted it and it was nice. Everyone had gotten flowers for the service and my mom read a really pretty poem. It was nice.

This is the story about our angel Taylor. I am sure there are going to be alot of things I am going to just add as we go on. In the days, months and year after we lost her I have some memories and then people will tell me things and I never remembered them. I have huge holes in my memory of the past 15 months. I am hoping that this is going to help me as well as anyone else that has had a similar loss. I am so glad that I have gotten in contact with some wonderful woman that have helped me alot. I am glad that we can all share our experiences and help each other. I always say that the best way to remember our angels is to talk about them. And her I am sharing my angel's story.

Taylor you are forever loved and forever missed!


Clownbaby momma said...

a brave first post. good on you. I thank you for sharing your story.

Hope said...

Found your blog through "To Write Their Name in the Sand"
This is a beautiful way to remember Taylor!
Take care!

Sophie said...

I found your blog on Carly's site. I think we share a 'dragonfly' thing with our baby girls. :)

Thankyou for sharing Taylor's story. I wish you all the best with the blogging. It has helped me tremendously. There is something about writing your thoughts out that helps to clarify things and also lets you see your progress in grieving. I don't think it ever stops, but it does change.

Take care.

AnnaMarie said...

Hi Jen,

I found your blog through Glow in the Woods. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Taylor. Thank you for sharing her story.